Why you should vote for the Degu Witch

OK Mr Cameron, step aside. I’ve watched you messing things up for too long now and I think I can do a better job. So Degu Witch for PM.

The Degu Witch Manifesto

Now, I'm aware that the country is in a bit of a mess financially, so the first thing I'd do is boost up the treasury a bit.

I would scrap Trident on my first day in power. Yep, I’d slash the defence budget until they could barely afford a solitary hand gun. And as I wouldn't be following the American constitution on their right to bear arms any time soon, I probably wouldn't let them use it anyway. We're a small island with no real power any more, we don't need a massive defense budget. The only people who want to invade us are too far away to manage it anyway.

So I'm already a few million quid up on the Tories.

OK. Taxation. I'd have a much more tiered system and anyone earning over £100k would be taxed at 70%. But my real focus here would be on big companies. I would make public disclosure of profits mandatory even for private companies and I would enforce such eye wateringly large fines on tax evasion that it just wouldn't be worth doing it. I'd scrap the FSA and all their pernickity little pressures on the banks and I'd set them to work spotting tax fraud instead.

That's saved me a few billion a year.

I'd tax the knickers off junk food, chocolate, alcohol, takeaways, fizzy pop, sweeties and processed food. This would have the impact of a) more money from taxes, b) eating healthy would be the new cheap option c) save money from the NHS as impact on better health.

I'd also use monetary fines as more of a punishment in the legal system. I'd financially penalise white collar crime, thus reducing my prison bills and boosting my coffers from the fines. I'd fine anyone dropping litter as well – I'd fine them a lot!

Now I'm in charge and I'm rich I can start actually doing stuff...

I'd completely overhaul the sex offenders register and apply a much needed dose of common sense. 16 year old lads bonking their 15 year old girlfriends would not be considered sex offenders on my list.

I'd legalise prostitution (and tax it), cannabis (tax it a LOT) and I'd employ a good deal less prudishness on the porn laws with the obvious exception of child porn. I'd toughen up on that by forcing Google and co to disclose key word search history data (I know they can do that...)


I would unprivatise all the key utilities and ensure water, gas, electric, rail and the mail were all non profit organisations. (And I wouldn't compensate the share holders either, they've had enough money over the years.)

I'd do a massive overhaul of the welfare state. The trouble with the welfare state is that those who need benefits don't get enough because people who don't need them claim them. Take child benefit for example – I wouldn't give that to the affluent middle class as a basic right but I would give more to people to whom the money really makes a genuine difference. And I'd go entirely on household, not individual, income. None of this two people earn £30k each so they qualify nonsense.

Environmentally I would heavily tax the second car in a household but I would take tax off petrol. The idea being that necessary journeys become more affordable but unnecessary trips are minimised.

I'd bring in mandatory pet licensing for all animals and give the RSPCA rules some serious power against animal offenders (maybe that handgun will come in use after all....) All acts of cruelty would result in a lifetime ban. I'd ban fox hunting, badger culling and bring in strict
rules for more humane pest control.

I'd cut management in the NHS and use the money for more nurses. I'd tell teachers to suck it up, stop going on strike and be grateful for their long holidays. I'd go further with the services, I would make it illegal for any of the public services to go on strike and I would make it punishable by jail sentence.

I'd make all schools multi faith and insist that discussion of all faiths forms a core part of the syllabus. Traditional days of worship across all the world religions would be equally noted. This would promote knowledge of others and general tolerance from an early age.

I'd return common sense to the legal system and appoint the judiciary from completely non legal walks of life with an emphasis on weeding out thousands of pound payouts for some mewling mare who's had her bottom slapped (whichever journalist said a real woman would deal with it, I agree with him wholeheartedly....)

I would ban mobile phones on all public transport and use some of the billions I've saved to put up mobile blocking signals in areas on national importance.

I'd stop censoring naughty words in songs on the radio. I'd be pretty tolerant with censorship full stop. I'd let practically anything go through the cinemas but would be tougher on dvd release as more chance of falling into underage hands. I'd take a harder line on gratuitous violence than sex because I don't believe watching a bit of nudity ever harmed anyone.

Finally, I would criminalise chewing gum. I'd make it illegal to sell, buy or chew it.

So there you have it – the Degu Witch manifesto. Do I have your vote??

---