Fighting the law on bones

Warning: Slightly more graphic and potentially more offensive than most of my blog posts….

This may sound a bit macabre but I have been giving it some thought recently and I don't think it is fair that I can't have my husband's skull when he dies.

Now ok, you may think the Degu Witch has finally (and some may say inevitably) flipped but bear with me. You know I'm a witch. I have a hundred and one uses for a human skull but with the average price fetching over £2000 that's quite a financial investment. Why shouldn’t I have one for free if my husband is willing?

And he is willing. We had the conversation over breakfast one morning. I pointed out that being a lot older than me he is likely to die a lot sooner and therefore would he mind awfully if I kept his skull? Being married to a witch, I don’t think the question phased him and he was remarkably accommodating with my request.

So I looked into it. And you know what, it’s actually illegal. I have no right to my husband’s body when he dies. None at all. Now, I wasn’t suggesting that I lop his head off and bury it six months in the garden as per the method of cleaning roadkill.

Even I may balk a bit at the thought of digging up my decomposing husband. And it would be the height of disrespect to stick his head in a pan on the stove and boil him (a la dead badger…). But why can I not pay someone (some open minded pathologist perhaps) to cut off the bits I want to keep, give them a bit of a spit and a polish and let me have them for the mantelpiece?

I rather like the thought of keeping him around. I could continue to chat to him about my day, shine him up with a bit of Mr Muscle, even take him to bed and pop him next to me on the pillow if I felt a bit lonely. I could store stuff inside his skull. He could be my handy paperclip holder. Or a paperweight. I could take him to work and whack him on my desk to keep my papers flying about… The possibilities are endless.

From a witch perspective, having his skull would make any communication in the afterlife a lot easier. And he would look great in the witch room with a couple of tea lights behind his eye cavities.

The thing that really annoys me about all this is the waste. Why should something I want so much that has no purpose to anyone else be destroyed simply because its not a conventional desire for a spouse to keep a skull around the home. It frustrates me that neither he nor I have the say in what happens to his body. I’m happy to donate his organs, any bit of my husband that is any use to anyone else can be plucked out or picked off and go to the deserving. So why can’t I have the bit I want?

I’m happy to pay. I don’t expect anyone to prepare the skull for free. I’m happy to pay a moderate cost to make it hygienic to be kept in the home. I mean, give me a wire wool and some bleach and I’ll do it myself, but I appreciate the law would prefer me not to do this. That is fine, but it feels completely unfair that I can neither do it myself nor pay someone to do it.

So what am I going to do about it? Well (nearer the time – he’s very much alive and kicking at the moment) I’m going to make some preliminary enquiries at the hospital and see if they have ever had a request like this before. I may offer them a swap for the bits they want. Should the law be adamant, I will write to my MP. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going on a one woman crusade with this one, I don’t want to end up certified…I’m not entirely sure the world is ready for a trend in husband polishing. But I intend to make my views known.

I suppose I could always wait a few months before actually telling anyone he’s passed on and then just confess I lost a few bits while tidying up. That might be going too far. Who knows, maybe the whole thing is going too far…? I’ll keep you posted.


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