Am I Crazy or Normal?

QUESTION - I have always struggled to share my stories, especially through the internet, but with recent events I am finally seeking an answer. I have seen what I have believed are spirits for as long as I can remember.

It first started when I was 2 or 3. I had went to bed early one night and the next morning my mom came to my room to wake me up, only to find I was extremely exhausted. She asked why I was so tired and I told her "I went to paint the moon and the stars with Grandpa (last name) ". My mother was frozen in fear and absolutely terrified. Her father had died when she was 18 and I never knew him. I had seen one photo of him and asked "who is that?" and her response was "that's my dad". I described him, his dog, and his truck perfectly, and the weirdest part was knowing his last name.

For years after that I remember shadows in my room. A lady speaking to me from the foot of my bed. My room being engulfed in flames. As any child would, I told my parents, but they always told me it wasn't real. I told my mother for years that "monsters" came out of the corners of my walls.

It wasn't until I was 14 that I started having real paranormal experiences. I became obsessed with the other side. Each day I was more intrigued with talking to the spirits rather than humans.

The first time I made something move with my mind I was 7. For years I thought it was my imagination. I thought I was crazy and still honestly question my sanity.

I began trying magic to reach for further answers. This soon turned dark and those around me began to have an evil presence.

I want to start this by saying I was not religious... After having nearly every one of my fears trying to kill me, I heard a voice tell me to open my Bible that my great grandfather had given me. When he gave it to me he said, "You will need this someday". I put it on my bed and the pages began to turn. I read the scripture off the pages that we're shown and all spirits were gone.

For years I felt peace, until recently. Something doesn't feel right. There aren't any spirits, but there is something within me that doesn't feel right. I have had dreams that have come true or I have asked someone something thinking we had the conversation, but find out it was something they were about to ask me about.

I have never felt "normal". I feel like there is this rage inside of me that I cannot control. I would never want to hurt anyone, but I feel the constant urge to get out this rage and strength.

I have asked my family and my mother thinks I am crazy. My paternal grandmother has only told me to stay away from that kind of darkness, but that was all. There has always been secrets with her. There are parts of my past that I believe may have been blocked with witchcraft by my grandmother. After having an experience with a spirit at 14, some of these memories came back, but I have been unable to retrieve the rest since then. There have been scars that seem to have appeared during this time as well, from the past that I cannot remember.

I am trying to figure out what I am. I fear that if I cannot figure this out and my family will not speak of the topic, I will never truly find peace.

Could you provide any guidance or knowledge to this?

ANSWER – There are a fair few dimensions to your question so I feel the best way to approach it is to go through each different element at a time.

Interacting with the spirit world is not uncommon in childhood. There is much speculation that this is due to the fact that children have not yet learned the scepticism of adult hood and have not developed the mental blockers that allow them to dissociate from spirit activity. It is even more common for spirit encounters to be close members of the family so perhaps unsurprising that you were visited by your Grandfather. Some people are naturally more in tune with spirits than others and it is likely you are one of those who finds it easier to make contact than others. This does not have to be a ‘dark’ or a negative thing, your early experiences in the main sound upbeat and positive so I would not consider these encounters to be problematic for you.

A basic level of telekinesis is rare but I’d certainly not doubt the capability of individuals to move objects with their minds. Again I would say this is more likely in childhood when the mind is more open to possibilities and doesn’t have to overcome learned scepticism. This is not a known symptom of any mental health disorder and in my opinion at least this does not make you crazy or unwell in any way. I would be interested to know if this ability stayed with you but I strongly suspect that it didn’t last past your early teens as is most often the case.

Your journey into the world of magic sounds to have complicated a lot of these issues for you. While witchcraft and the spirit world do have a lot of overlap there are many witches who have nothing to do with spirits and many sensitives who have nothing to do with the craft or practising magic. You do not go into a lot of detail about the kind of magic you attempted but I get the impression you were dabbling in things that frightened you a bit and that this soured some of your spirit encounters that originally seemed easier to cope with.

Magic is a neutral force but one that can be manipulated by both spirits and humans alike. Often spirits take an interest when magic is practised and some spirits will seek to manipulate an impressionable youngster working with magic for the first time. My guess would be that your magic felt dark because you were a bit out of your depth and not entirely comfortable with what you were doing. I had a similar experience in my early teens long before I embraced witchcraft as an adult. The guilt and fear of my young self made the craft feel very sinister in a way that it didn’t when I was able to approach it more rationally in my older years.

The religious experience with your grandfather is very interesting. Was he a religious man? If he was then it is perhaps not surprising that he believed the Bible would help you. Even as a non Christian I acknowledge the Bible as a powerful metaphor for good and one that does make spirits sit up and take note. I have no problem believing that the combination of his faith and your trust in his faith was enough to convince any mischievious spirits to seek a new person to pester.

​‘Normal’ is a misleading term. We only know how others behave, we do not know what they think inside. Think of what goes on in your own mind and how little of that you project outwards into the word. Everybody else is doing the same. We are all complicated, confused chaotic beings projecting an image of steadfast sanity to the wider world. The world is a much less isolating place when we understand that we are not all that different from everybody else.

Do I think you are crazy? Not at all and I don’t think pinning a label like that on you is very helpful. I think you have had some genuine experiences but that your worrying about them is doing far more harm to you than the experiences themselves ever could. My advice would be, rather than trying to label yourself, just see where this journey takes you. Your peace will not come from pigeon holing yourself into a neat definition of ‘what’ you are but through living your life and evolving naturally into ‘who’ you are.
 
 Image https://www.deviantart.com/art/Ghosts-424907600
 

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