QUESTION - So on my journey to learn about myself, I spent hours looking inwardly to try and figure out who I truly was. At the time I had a lot of sorrow and down time in my life, but it did not distract from the fact that I felt, and still feel, like something other than human. Because of this I turned to magic. My first attempt to expose my true self was a delve in black magics and a spell to transform myself into a mermaid (via "the insouciant spell" which I later found was a curse). Although I hadn't really performed any spells or rituals (at the time I was just learning about magical pieces and studying grimoires), but magic was always in the back of my head.
Then along the way, after my lost connection with my faith in the Lord, I stumbled back into my old habits and tried to explain all that was happening to me that other humans didn't experience in their day-to-day lives. For example, I am extremely light, and always have been. I always hated wasting time going up and down the steps in my house so making an effort to run up them became a habit, and I suddenly started experiencing a moment of blissful feeling in which I believed, with all my heart, that if I lifted my hand off the railing I would fly. I fell twice. However it's happened much more often than that. For a time I was struggling with "the proper diet" I assumed of humans, since grains and more are said to be bad for you and I experienced it when I found I couldn't digest a number of fibrous plants. I had noticed that my back molars are excessively sharp and if I don't manage my teeth they cut my tongue when they grow back to form points. I shed my top layer of skin before and after winter and somehow feel less sensitive to the elements when this happens. I've noticed that my eyes change shades based on my mood, even though, I believed, they are brown. My senses are heightened and half the time I detect things and people at least a minute before others do. Raw meat looks so delicious when I'm in stores I feel *excessively* compelled to rip open the packaging and eat it (however that's indecent, so I stay away from the shelves in the meat aisle). I have mad intuition, even if I sometimes exaggerate it when I'm trying to understand what the feeling is relating to. And sometimes, less now than I did when I was younger but it still happens somewhat often, I dream about my whole day, or pieces now, before I actually live them. When I was 8 it happened where it was like I travelled back in time and I wasn't controlling my actions, or the actions that I made coincidentally caused the same reaction I dreamed about the night before. From what I experienced, humans don't do these things, or at least not all at once.
I can sense presences. I wouldn't go as far as calling them auras, but in both the houses I've lived in I can tell when someone's in the same room as me and when they're not, and I even came to terms with the presence of ghosts in my house (when I understood enough that they were beings and not just 'the house settling.') For years I had been searching for what could possibly be the answer and I stumbled upon the Therian community and insightful pieces of information that gave me some comfort, like my true astrological sign and my elements.
On that topic, I grew up a Pisces, believing that I was a water sign, and I never questioned it until puberty when there was gossip about the universe expanding and making room for Ophiuchus, the snake bearer. I was devastated to hear that I would no longer be a Pisces and I first resented the Aquarian sign, but as my research progressed and I realized that half the time the Piscean horoscope had nothing to do with me and I wasn't as emotional as what the sign description said, I came upon the information that horoscope cusps exist where the person in the cusp keeps traits from the previous star sign and adapts aspects of the new sign, like how in mixing paint, the base colour stays dominant until there is enough of the other colour to make a new one. It explained why I felt so free in the air but relied so much on water for calming. That was why I was intellectual and cold and creative but can still relate to people on an emotional level. That is why my mentality is flexible like the ocean and sometimes just want to feel the waves. (And it may or may not explain my spiritual connection with nature and the wholeness of the Earth).
This, however, did not explain why I felt phantom wings on my back or felt a mysterious binding on my legs like a warm cloak that felt complete. Always, I've felt the connection to water and the idea of being a mermaid enchanted me. But at the same time, my go-to element to immerse myself in is the forest, and feel the sunbeams coming through the leaves and the wind above the trees. I connect with the animals and even the insects. I'm friendly even to cockroaches and spiders: the mortal enemies of humans. I admire wasps and think them as friends. For a while I even thought I could control my pheromones, but that might just be my imagination. Still, I know that with any wish comes sacrifice of equal or greater value, and no simple change of "growing wings" or "growing gills" will cost nothing (the simplest sacrifice, I think, would be years off of my lifespan).
I had been consulting a natural-born witch and "real" psy-vampire the whole time during my searching. Though she's only a little older than me (which, yes, is quite young), she knew much more about the magic community than I did so I considered all of her advice, even though her words were just like a horoscope and were very indirect and could mean anything. When I had trouble deciding where I should direct my life--on land or in the sea--she told me that whatever I choose, I should be careful making my decision: some spells work at different speeds, and require cancellation spells if I decide to change my mind. But on top of that, I should not mix species, because it might not end well. She didn't give me specifics on the "mixing species" thing, but I got an idea of certain unwanted parts coming through and others not. She also said that my transformation would require me to give up my life, either symbolically or literally, as a 'human.' Still I looked for answers, but I understand that unless it is already in my genes, unless I'm a natural-born mythical creature, I cannot change what I am in this world. All of these random aspects about myself, however, prove otherwise. I shed almost worse than a dog because I have long hairs that trail around. I can see relatively well in the dark. I get sick way more than other people because I have a hyperactive immune system and, despite all the blood work I had done, there is no blood type on my records. And the phantom-appendages aren't helping the situation either. I truly believe I'm not a true member of the 'norm' on this planet.
Don't get me wrong, (and I do appreciate you reading this far into my story), I have looked for answers myself. For the longest time my birthplace and Social Security number were a mystery to me, although the rest of my siblings had them. I was always the odd man out, even of my entire family. And to look for these answers, although I had my other sources pending, I visited the astral plane three times: each time I didn't have enough concentration to find the exact answers I was looking for. I researched the possible creatures I could be: a water djinn, a phooka, a mermaid, an 'avian' (which I learned encompasses any creature with wings, therefore the four bug-wings on my back are acceptable in this category), and even a water nymph because it has both a mermaid tail and gills and wings and is in touch with both water and forest energies, and lastly a faerie. My research of faeries is incomplete and changes across cultures (which is why I should check my lineage, as I do know I have Scottish and Chinese and Islander in me, but I don't know where in Africa my descendants are from), but for the most part they have magic to enchant, they deal primarily in one element, and they represent an idea: abstract or elemental. From my research I just jumped to the conclusion that I could be a water fairy that represents entertainment, mainly because of my hobbies and personality and my desire to keep people busy or use their time, but it was just a hunch that I clung to. I am a loner who is inconsiderate of others' feelings, so why would my main essence in life be to entertain people? If I keep the balance in nature, why am I so drawn to blood and meat? The "eyes changing colour based on mood" idea seems to be consistent with faerie tales, but that doesn't make me a fairy, does it? And why am I now more than ever so keen on flying?
I've always had my heart set on shapeshifting and invisibility, and water control and a stronger connection with animals, and a way to immerse myself in my element (which led me to flying or having gills), which may not exist in this world but I believe they do in another world or even in another plane. And I don't know where to end this, (which, by the way thank you for all of your help), but any insight or information will be fine. What do you know about these species? Fairies especially. Is it possible to fly in this world? Or even phase to another one where I can life freely and not in this human body?
And even if a spell won't change me, even if magic can't change this disconnection inside of me, I would, at the very least like answers to what I've been looking for. Who are these elusive creatures? How do they work and what do they stand for? For now, thank you, and I wish you all well.
Answer – This isn’t really a question but it was so interesting and beautifully written that I thought it well worth sharing with our readers.
In terms of your “elusive” creatures I can offer you a personal perspective but bear in mind it is highly subjective and based on my own beliefs. With the exception of fairies (which I accept exist) I believe most mythological creatures are just that – mythological. That is to say I believe they have no physical presence in reality. However I do believe they play some role of importance within the life of the magical practitioner or the witch. I think the creatures of mythology represent parts of ourselves that we repress to conform to the mundane world. So when we dream of these creatures what we are really dreaming about is giving rein to the dormant parts of our souls that need to be expressed.
It is interesting that many mythical creatures are associated with either flight, strength or the ability to survive in water. All these abilities in my mind are linked to the idea of escape and freedom. You can fly away, swim away or fight your way out of whatever holds you back. I would imagine that an individual who identifies very strongly with one of these creatures feels there is a part of themselves they are struggling to set free. Rather than focus on the creature itself I would look inward at the parts of your life that may dissatisfy you and see if there are any actions you can put in place in these areas. (This may sound more like psychology than magic but the two do overlap to quite an extent.)
In your case – I’d focus on your passion for flying. What does it mean to you? Are you flying toward something, flying away from something? Have you lessons to learn from the element of air? Do you feel constrained and unfulfilled by the life you are living?
Fairies are different – I have no problem accepting the fey having a physical reality (partly because I know too many people who have seen them to dismiss a belief in them). I am however personally sceptical that a fairy can be mistaken for a human.
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