QUESTION - I moved from Australia to the UK to marry my then fiance and now, my 'husband' hasn't been interested in me for nigh-on 4 years (since I got over here pretty much) and has announced that he wants a divorce.I have tried and tried to get him to deal with whatever had been the problem in the bedroom which caused arguments so I gave up and was just miserable. He doesn't seem still to be dealing with stuff but seems to be running from the damage he has done and is just definite in wanting me gone.
Something isn't adding up but I just have to go. I have been diagnosed with 'MS' but he swears it makes no difference and keeps just using MY words as if it will make the situation more palatable.
I don't know what to think. sorry it's not a question as such....just can't see the trees from the forest. *shrugs*
ANSWER - Firstly you have all of my sympathy, to be diagnosed with any illness is traumatic enough but to then have your husband behaving in such an ill thought out and unsympathetic manner must make it feel worse. You say you can't see the trees from the forest and I'm not surprised, asking you to see such a difficult situation in complete clarity is asking too much from you at this moment in time. What you need to do is take each stage of your journey in individual steps and eventually the small steps will add up to a fuller understanding of where you are going and where your journey will take you.
I very much feel from what you are saying that this does need to be a journey away from your husband. Even if you manage to persuade him to give it another go, it would be no good for your mental equilibrium, you would always be waiting for him to change his mind. Basically you would be handing over all the power and control over your life and making it within his power to allow you to be happy or not. Not only is that no basis for a marriage, its no basis for you to live an independent and healthy life.
He says he wants you gone but that isn't necessarily an indictment on you. Sometimes relationships just run their course. You can be entirely right for someone at one stage in their life and entirely wrong for them in another. Leaving a marriage doesn't mean it was a failure, just that it isn't working for either of you now. Courage is facing up to that fact and moving on rather than hoping with futility than one of you will change or you can sticky tape over each crack as it appears.
Accept that this is a new beginning for you. It may be daunting but its also a clear indication that its time for you to strike out on your own. Maybe he can't handle the MS, but you can, you know you can. And sometimes its easier to be strong on your own, you can focus on your feelings and your concerns without being weighed down by what he thinks and feels. I think you've rationalised with him enough, if he can't come to terms with the issues you have both had in the marriage then it isn't fair for you to spend the rest of your life trying to help him deal with his inability to face facts. You owe it to yourself to put this baggage down for a while, have a rest, clear your mind of all this negativity weighing you down and focus on you rather than him for a while.
Image http://www.sxc.hu/photo/743473 (SuperKwast)
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