QUESTION - I've had trouble with depression all my life, but this runs deeper than a simple plea for some way to magically cure depression.
A few years ago I resided in a house that had what Christians refer to as "demons" inside it. These demons physically attacked me--at least it felt physical--and ever since then I've had... issues.
At first it was unnoticeable, and as the writer that I was I continued to write. However as I continued to write I noticed that my muse was getting weaker, until it was almost completely non-existent. Then the same started happening to other areas, until now where I am a shell of the man I used to be. It's as if something constructed walls in my mind, that get stronger the more I try to push through.
I have no actual proof that these events are related, however, I have this... feeling that these may be. I have also noticed that I've been feeling a slight headache coming on ever since I started typing this (although that's probably not related).
Now, finally I come to the question I've been seeking answers for so long...
Is there a way to restore myself to my former self?
Answer - I see your question as falling quite naturally into three parts - the depression, the link with demons and the ability to define and hold on to the self. I'm going to address the first two individually and then pull together with the third for some advice at the end.
Depression to my mind falls into three distinct categories - chemical depression which isn't impacted by circumstance, post traumatic depression which relates to issues in the past which are causing emotional problems in the present and situational depression which is a reaction to problems in the here and now.
The trouble with depression is that if you diagnose the wrong type the cure won't work at all. A person may have a perfectly happy past and present and simply be depressed because that is the way their mind functions. It would be irrelevant to offer counselling or practical solutions to help their life because it isn't their life that is making them depressed, it is the chemistry of their brain. Equally if someone is suffering depression because they cannot surmount troubles in their present or is haunted from issues in their past throwing pills at them will only alleviate some of the symptoms at best. Counselling, life guidance and a way to work through the difficulties will work better.
I'm no doctor so this is an uninformed non medical opinion at best. But what I do know for certain after watching many of my close friends battle with depression is that depression needs to be taken seriously. The colloquial and common way the word is bandied around fails to convey the
very genuine suffering of those afflicted with it.
Demons divide the opinion of witches and some (particularly the new agey type) refuse to believe in their existence at all. However many witches do incorporate some element of demon working into their craft and although it isn't something I get very involved in myself I certainly wouldn't deny they exist. The term demon can be used to define anything from a sentient spirit to the "inner demons" of the human mind (Christianity incidentally has a similar ambiguity in definition).
The latter definition if not entirely akin to depression could certainly be a factor in it. If you think in terms of guilt, hate, frustration... the negative demons that plague us - these are paving the way for depression.
The more traditional idea of the demon as a separate entity could also be viewed as a catalyst for depression. Demons are generally deemed to be the more negative type of spirits, they feed on the negativity in the human mind and look to inspire dark emotions for the energies they produce. Spending time in a place where demons are present would sap your energy and send you to the darker places in your mind. I said earlier that I recognise three types of depression but possibly if we take haunting to be a type of depression we can add a fourth.
You'll notice I use the word haunting rather than demonic possession. True demonic possession is extremely rare and the symptoms rather more like those depicted in The Exorcist than most people would feel comfortable acknowledging. You quite clearly are not suffering from demonic possession so I won't go into detail here. Suffice to say that both religious figures in most religions and witches could be requested to perform a banishing ritual. But somebody with experience should always be consulted. It's one of those very rare times I find myself in agreement with the Catholic church - you don't send a newbie to perform an exorcism.
Now coming to the crux of your question - the restoration of your former self. The way I view the self is that we are all born with a basic blueprint of the person that we are. We can develop and evolve but we never stray entirely from the person we were born. So I don't think you have lost who you are, I think who you are has been masked by the depression. I think you are still there but you are struggling to relate to yourself.
I don't personally (and I could be wrong of course) think that the depression you are suffering now is linked to your experience with the demons in the house you no longer live in. I think it may have weakened you at the time sufficiently for the depression to get a grip but if you were being directly impacted by demons your symptoms would have worsened considerably over the years since you resided in the house. I think it is worth you performing a simple banishing ritual for peace of mind and cleansing if nothing else but I don't think the demons are the issue here.
The symptoms that you describe are very likely severe depression and as I always take pains to point out - you do need to seek medical help. The medical profession takes depression more seriously than they ever have. It always surprises me when people are reluctant to look to chemical help for depression. I've taken anti depressants myself and far from turning me into a different person they helped me clear the fog and feel myself again. Yes we can explore less obvious solutions but sometimes the simple answer is the one that works and especially in the case of depression sometimes (and I stress sometimes) a prescription can be all it takes to start to get back on track.
Depression aside - to find yourself again you need to take steps to distance yourself from the things that are weakening you. Unhappiness can be debilitating. Look for practical changes you can make in your life - think about what things will make a difference. Find some selfishness and put your real self first. Think about what you want rather than what you should want and reach out and take it. Situational depression seems to be most common in people who feel they are living their lives for other people and that can lead to an alienation from the true self.
Elevating the mind to a higher plane will also have an impact. Rather than struggling to produce work yourself take the pressure off and immerse yourself in the arts - listen to beautiful music, read beautiful fiction and allow your mind to remove itself from the mundane. The depths of our souls are stimulated by the emotion of art. Poetry in particular can spark that connection with your real self.
Before I detail a simple banishing spell, there are other things you can do to clear your body and mind. Take a bath in salt water to purify yourself. Learn to create a protective shield around yourself to keep negative influences at bay. Make time daily to sit for a short while with just your own thoughts for company. Spend more time alone without distractions or stimuli and learn to enjoy yourself and your own company again. And slow down - turn down the pace of how you live your life and drop the expectations of yourself.
Sandalwood has associations of connection to the self - it may well be worth mixing a dilute sandalwood oil and anointing yourself with it twice a day.
So finally - if you are concerned about the demonic element of your questions there are some elements of a banishing ritual you can perform. Most of them are detailed here in this question I answered for another reader but I would add it may be prudent to carry salt on your person.
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