QUESTION - Brevity will be so difficult, but I will try. I was raised a fundamentalist Christian. I hated everything about them and their god. As a young adult, I simply ignored the subject, did not go to church, etc. I will say that there were times as a child I felt there was a female energy protecting me from the worst of what a poet called "the desolation of my childhood."
Poor health, and a series of very bad luck around things that should not have been related, but seemed to be led me to start becoming more spiritually aware back around spring 2012. The poem above was written about Sekhmet; oddly enough, she seems to be the presence I felt in my youth, and has taken me under her wing as I have grown to adulthood. I have experienced none of her infamous rages. I have felt nothing but gentleness from her.
I started to believe after working with a true psychic for many years. He told me over and over that my role in this life is to be that of a lightbringer --- that I would never be appreciated for it, but that this was my gift and my responsibility. He also told me at one point, in genuine surprise, that Asna was at my house. I had been filled with a desire to fill my home with flowers, to spend time in my small terrace garden. My house looked so beautiful after I had this urge to bring flowers in, I took a photo on my camera. Many months later, I would be told to check the date this occurred -- December 8, Mary's Feast Day and Asna's alleged birthdate.
I began talking to Asna and Sekhmet. I requested things of them, especially Asna. I found flowers wherever I went. A good friend, now deceased, who was dying of cancer, refused to discuss any of this, but she said, whenever she came to my house, that it always smelled like a field of wild flowers. She maintained this as long as she lived (she died last October). Like me, she was a virgo. My BFF, also a virgo, has always been a spiritual seeker, although she seems to be returning more and more to the Catholicism of her youth. However, she believes that anything that brings you closer to God is wonderful. She says she has felt Asna literally moving out malevolent spirits from my home.
The Goddesses began helping me; although the things I had been suffering through, continued on, I began finally obtaining resolution to long-standing problems. I felt a connection with the goddesses -- these two in particular. I felt I had broken through. All along my psychic is helping me. He accurately predicted the diagnosis and death of several people who didn't know themselves. This prepared me. I felt that I had finally broken through the wall. The next day I received a notice that I was being audited by the IRS. My psychic said to ask the goddess for help, that all would be okay. I swear I heard malicious laughter in the back of my head.
Asna signed to me that she would take care of it. By this time I was weary of promises. To this day I am amazed by what happened next. I told Asna that she had offered me false hopes ever since she entered my life, uninvited. I said if she was all powerful to show me a sign. It was the dead of winter by now. I told her I wanted to wake up and see my garden in full summer bloom. I went to get my newspaper the next day, feeling sad that I would not have at least the pretense of God any longer. I opened my back door and the first thing I noticed was at least a dozen blossoms on my rosebushes (it had been about 30 degrees the night before). My summer flowers were splashes of gaudy color in their boxes -- yellow, red, purple. Most amazing of all -- my camellia plant that had taken ten years to give me one blossom, was blooming with a half a dozen blossoms. I had told no one about this challenge. My entire backyard smelled like a field of wildflowers. And the plants blossomed beautifully. Each and every one of them.
Okay, I said. Follow Sekhmet, she's the protector. While doing an internet search on Sekhmet and related issues, I came across a coven on tumblr. I asked for help, and although I never received a response, someone they seemed to know was worried about a curse on her unborn child. I followed their instructions: the time of the month, under the moon, a paper written with my enemy's names, put in a jar in the freezer, then taken out and fill with my urine, broken mirrors, nails, razor blades, tissue with my blood on it, etc. Under the light of the moon, I buried the jar close to my door as instructed after chanting a phrase (I've never again been able to find this coven, despite trying and trying, and I don't remember the phrase. for whatever reason I didn't write it in my grimiore). Within a month, I received a letter from the IRS that everything was good (I had sent them a piece of paper that I didn't even recognize) and that was the end of the audit.
I did lose my home, which was not unexpected, and weird things started happening (I moved in with my mom who needed help anyway). I brought the jar back and reburied it under my bedroom window. By this time, I had learned that Asna was a creation of Sylvia Browne, whom I simply cannot respect. Nor could I respect and worship a creature of Sylvia Brown's. Meanwhile. Sekhmet is letting me know -- waking me up with all the trees and plants in room whipping about, colors flashing in a way I can't explain -- please understand. I am not on drugs, I have never been mentally ill or hospitalized for such, I've never seen a ghost or talked to a dead person. I don't know why I wasn't frightened, but Sekhmet has never frightened me. Not ever. I knew she had come to tell me that she had taken my older brother from whom we were all estranged across the river. She had taken him lovingly, this poor , miserably unhappy man, and she wanted me to know. The coroner's office called a week and a half later. He had finally been found and identified.
Meanwhile, in an effort to keep my beloved Goddesses, without losing Asna because of Sylvia (which my psychic scolded and scolded me for - he liked her, and she had helped him with some clients when she crossed over), I decided that all goddesses are parts of one great goddess, and I would thus direct my worship toward the "Divine" Goddess.
The thing is I feel no more closeness to my goddesses. My bouquets are just flowers. The cinnamon and oranges I set out for Sekhmet are pushed over with the candle, leaving an ugly mess on my carpet and an odour I couldn't get rid of forever. Sekhmet! Who was my mother goddess before I knew I had such a thing! Sekhmet who has punished, sometimes too harshly those who injured me (and let others go scot-free -- I can only assume there is a worse fate awaiting the latter group). Sekhmet, whom I love with all my heart and soul. And even Asna. Would I dislike a friend because I didn't like her mother? No. The bottom line is that they are gone. I feel their absence like a physical ache.
My psychic died in Janaury. I found out some months later. I went into my journal for the night he died. My very mundane journal. "Saw Becky today. Picked up creamer and coffee for mom. Bought new book. Bed at 11 pm." These are the entries in my journal. The night my psychic died, I went to sleep and proceeded to begin automatic writing for the first time in my life. Remember, my psychic died in January. I didn't find out until May. The writing is illegible for the most part, but he did send me to a link. A song. AMAZING. The hash tags? He told me time and again that I was coming into a large amount of money.
There's absolutely nothing romantic between us -- he was in his 80's. He did some kind of chant over me when things were really really bad, and he warned me that I might have a physical reaction to the chant (it was over the phone). I did. I spiked a fever of about 103 or 104 the next day. I was so feverish, I was delirous. I called him and it seems to me he had me do something, but I don't remember what, or what that was all about. The fever eventually went away, within a day, and I've been fine. I don't see how it changed me or if it did. I trust him implicitly, obviously.
For awhile, I seemed to have this lightbearing gift, where even over the internet I could comfort. And I sent my BFF energy to help her with her mom. It ended up giving her migraine but helping her mom immensely (her mother has been in remission from lymphoma for years now, so I think that was a fair trade off for her).
Now ... nothing. I've tried spellcasting and I'm very bad at it. I thought I was at least good at invocations or blessings, but I've been trying to break the 'chatter' that my bff's husband brings home on him. he's constantly bringing these spirits or feelings in that make it very hard for my BFF to assert her positive energy. So, I've been praying to the Goddess, and burning a white candle with a tag of my bff's clothing, my wish/blessing for her, orange zest, cinnamon, and blackberry for material abundance (money has been tight and, that, along with other things has changed her so much), Anyway, I've been praying for a couple weeks for her and she says that life has been easier, she feels able to assert her positive energy more, but I don't FEEL the goddesses as I used to. And last night, the glass that the white candle was on shattered. Just shattered. The wax with all my BFF's stuff remained intact, but the little plate broke off into dozens of flaming pieces! They didn't hurt anything or cause any damage, but ...
I shouted at the other candle, "What are you trying to tell me? What do you want from me? Go out! Go out right now if you want me to stop, just GO OUT! BLOW OUT and I'll never bother you again." The other candle just kept burning. Then I started picking up the glass and a shard cut me. It bled quite strongly and, on impulse, I let the blood drip into the second candle, which lit up like a firecracker. Then I dropped the shard of glass in it and the candle went out -- just like that.
Previously, I had been using a scrying pendulum for a couple weeks. I was uneasy about it, because I am so strong-willed that I was afraid that I was influencing it by my thoughts -- I even asked the goddesses to weaken my will when using it, so that it worked on its own power and not mine, And, boy, did it ever work. It would start and stop with a simple word. After a week or two, I didn't even need to say the word, just think it, for it to work. All an illusion. It is my mind controlling it by saying whatever I think is.
I just want to get back to the goddess -- Sekhmet and Asna. They have turned their faces from me and it breaks me up. I've been saying as I worship at the altar every morning that I am grateful for their protection and blessings and I ask them to make me a good enough person to be worthy of them -- that if someone knew what I believed (unlikely), my life would be such that they would think well of a goddess who attracted such believers. I yearn to feel the power of the light coursing through my veins as I have before. I want to feel like a lightbringer again. I want to understand what my psychic wants me to know,
Have I ruined all my chances of reconnecting with the goddesses? I am not one to join groups, although clearly, I am not hiding anything much. I don't wear a teeshirt proclaiming my beliefs but I am willing to have a real conversation with anyone who is genuinely interested and not simply trying to 'convert' me. I should add that, although I left Jesus behind long ago, my psychic was adamant that I include the three in my prayers. Out of respect for him, I do.
How do I get this back? Can I even do it?
Any guidance is very much appreciated. Thank you,
ANSWER – This was a beautiful read, it was lovely to read through your whole journey and see how your path has evolved. Thank you for allowing me such a personal glimpse into your world.
My instinct is to say that you won’t be able to go backwards. I think Sekhmet and Asna have played the part they were always going to play in your life. From what you say I do not think they have turned their back on you but rather that you have reinterpreted your concept of the Goddess as your path has developed and the two Goddesses that worked for you in the past are no longer working for you in your present. This isn’t uncommon in a polytheist (people who worship more than one God ) often people feel that one God/Goddess offers support and guidance at key times in their live but then another steps in when their circumstances change. As we develop as people our relationship with the Gods evolves and my view would be that it is your time now to look for a new relationship that is more suited to where you currently are in your life.
That isn’t to say that Sekhmet and Asna are not to be remembered with respect and fondness but my view is that they have done as much as you can. Possibly the knowledge that Asna was a creation of Sylvia Browne played its part in breaking the bond between you but that does not devalue the relationship you had together or the help she offered you. I also wonder if the death of your mentor was a catalyst in taking you to a new stage of your journey and moving away from the goddesses who supported you during his lifetime.
My advice to you would be to look forward rather than backwards. Be open to new Gods and Goddesses who can offer advice and support for where you are in your current time.
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